The Beginning of Letting Go

I'm back to the blog. Why is this always such a long road for me? I spend my days thinking in prose with plans to write the definitive treatise on grief or saying good bye to my baby on her first day of school, but instead of writing I circle the computer, surfing Facebook, writing clever emails, and yelling at the Internet, feeling so uneasy that I won't even open my blog to have a look at what I last wrote about. A reminder of what I hadn't done. And here I am - finally - with more meta about writing. Or not writing. Maybe a treatise on writing about not writing is my niche. But let's have a go at the other stuff anyway.

I last wrote in May about the crazy my house was under. The summer in contrast, was calm and happy, laced together by my divine daughters dodging sprinklers, dock fishing and wave jumping. The summer between baby and big girl. Those beach towel cuddles growing ever less common. And then summer ended the way it does, with the first day of school. Up early, the girls put on their special first-day-of- school dresses and I braided their hair. We went outside for pictures; Mimi with her worried smile. And off we went. And a little bit of my heart stayed behind.

When I pick up Violet at school, she races into my arms and presses her cheek to mine, still fully surprised and thrilled to see me. It is the high point of my day. It is a primordial hug. It feels like the reason I was born. That's a lot for a 30 second hug, but this is my baby and she isn't home with me anymore and that makes me cry a little some days. She is so shy and I worried so much, but she's happy in school. She shares the stories of her day with such brightness and joy, sending my gut flip flopping with melancholy and satisfaction.

When I pick up Mimi at school, she flops her backpack and lunch at my feet, starts explaining why she didn't eat and can she go to the park and she's hungry and thirsty and hot and cold. Before all of this, I peek at her and see that serious face. So inside her own head. There are few running, leaping hugs from this one. It's the age maybe or the kid. She sat on my lap on the train recently and it occurred to me how rarely I get to hold her anymore. I also had a flash of missing Mimi the baby, the one that wasn't so complicated. The one that didn't need to clean up her own mess or figure out how to read and pronounce the, when th comes out zuh. The one that didn't get the impatient end of my patience.

This one sings school songs with her sister though and admits mistakes to her friends, inviting them to play after previously excluding them. She has held on to our secret mission to get frozen yogurt with a precious persistence, and she made a bookmark for a new friend, telling her she could change out the stickers or color it a different color if she wanted to. She's magic and mayhem.

I'm holding on and they are scrambling down my legs to go play. I push them out the door and they cry to stay home. Holding on and letting go.

Regina Spektor, rad singer, philosopher and writing muse, sings a deceptively peppy song about taking the best of what you are, loving it and then putting it into someone else's heart, and then doing it again and again. We listen to Regina while I cook dinner, which is a happy time of day for me, and as is often the condition with parenting, I don't think of Adam when I hear these lyrics (he who has so gracefully carried the best and the worst of me in his heart for 13 years), I think of Mimi and Violet.

I am home alone now. I am here to get a life of my own now. But their faces are always in front of me. I have tucked myself into their bursting hearts and now I wait.

Mimi and Violet and Coach and Dan Humphrey, oh my

With the mister still out of town, my lazy blogging has veered towards blog-negligence. I endure though and instead offer small summaries of the goings on in my life and on television. This requires thinking and writing in tiny doses. Single motherhood has exhausted me, so tiny doses are good.

First, a shout out to my daughters. I'll admit that when Adam left for his trip I feared for my sanity, but they have been sweet and helpful and understanding that the schedule is a little different and Mommy a little more tired. Violet has slept with me most nights and even with her feet in my neck I love the softness of her sweet self there next to me when I lean over to hit the snooze button 5 times every morning.

This morning when I dropped Mimi off at school, she was already sitting at a table intently cutting out a shamrock before I had even left the classroom, and my heart ached a bit for the baby that she isn't anymore. I know she's only 4 and that later tonight when she is screaming in the bathtub, because a droplet of water splashed in her eyes, I will yearn for her to be older and self-bathing, but this morning I wondered where the time had gone.

I wish sometimes that I was more present for them in the present. We are always cleaning up or rushing out or getting ready for a meal, bath, bed, whatever the next thing is. I'm not a great player, so we watch a lot of movies and read a lot of books and I direct them to things that they can play with together. Lately we've been watching Beatles videos on YouTube, which has been fun. I just hope that they like the mother that I am. I also hope that maybe when they are in a different stage, I can like the mother that I am a little more or at least cut her a break. (sob)

That was heavy, dude. Let's move on.

Friday Night Lights

I am TWO recaps behind on FNL, for two reasons. One, time is not my friend lately and two, as much as I enjoy writing about the show, it either ends up as a straight up summary or my analysis ends up more or less the same every recap, because great as the show is, its themes don't change. It's about growing up, taking responsibility, messing up and fixing it — these things, when told well, are very moving, but difficult for me to write about in an interesting fashion every week. I think. Or maybe I just haven't had time! So, a quick run down. Street moved to Jersey, despite me telling him that it is too expensive. I found that whole story a little Pollyanna, but I loved him and Riggins male-bonding in New York.

Tyra's boyfriend turned out to be pretty suck. The pill-popping lead to the money-owing and the man-handling of Tyra and a lot of sweating. I still don't get where the baby mama from a few weeks back fits in? I guess he was lying about that and he is the father or she was trying to collect on someone else's behalf. I wish Tyra could get her shit together. I liked Coach in romantic mode, wooing Tami at the hotel, but I also liked him in protective mode, picking up Tyra and keeping the Rodeo junkie away from her. Coach is multi-awesome like that.

Saracen and his mom seem to be forging a nice bond, and despite her being a worthless mother for most of his life, she is at least there now, telling him to go to college and not give up his life for Grandma. I do love Grandma, though. She isn't trying to hurt Saracen and she raised him to be such a good guy. She's just scared. Saracen and Julie seemed to have settled into a nice post-coital romance. Looks like Coach gets an eyeful next episode though. I'm thinking that's going to be awkward for him.

Saracen is a wide-receiver* now and he and Riggins were making plays and getting it done in the play-off game. JD is showing his nerves a bit. I think that's a nice direction to take this kid. Anyone else think he is awfully little? I know quarterbacks aren't huge, but he is tiny. There is clearly trouble brewing between Coach and Mr. McCoy.

Riggins and Lila got into fight about Riggs going to college, but he stopped being a dumbass and appears college bound now. How is all of this going to come together if FNL gets renewed? I want more, but not if it means they all go to Dillon Tech together, 90210 style. But FNL: The Next Generation is weird too. Thoughts?

Gossip Girl

In theory, I'm so happy it's back! Woot! Woot! In practice, last night's episode was only a lukewarm lava bomb for me.

The Chuck stuff is so, so, so lame. I guess it was all a set up to bring back the scuzzy guy and show what a true heart Chuck actually, maybe, has. But does Chuck even go to school anymore? Does he even see his friends anymore? He's like 40 now. And boring. I got excited just seeing him sit and wait for Blair, hoping to get a little bit of pop to add to his fizzle, but nope. She's going to be with scuzzy guy now, because she is apparently embracing the fact that she isn't very nice. I appreciated her telling Serena not to try and convince her that she is actually a good person. She isn't particularly. And all of this Yale business has really brought out the worst in her and not even in a fun way.

The Age of Innocence is one of my favorite movies, so I found it cool(ish) that the senior class was putting it on as a play. The director storyline was just annoying, although initially I thought he might be Serena's new man and was pleased that he was so much hotter than greasy Aaron. He ended up being a dick and gay, so it doesn't matter.

Dan Humphrey and Rachel the Idiot Teacher were still getting it on and it was hot, but she was lame and I didn't understand how Dan Humphrey could go from someone like Serena to Rachel. I mean, brain-wise I suppose I see it, but we didn't have enough to work with in that department either. And she dressed so badly! I think I wore her professional version of mini, tank, cardi combo in like eighth grade. Dan Humphrey telling his dad to step back was pretty killer. I like a little bad-ass in my geek boys.

What else? Jenny still looks like a 25-year old Lower East Side bartender circa 1999. Nate and Vanessa have nothing in common, which is just shocking! Nate's assertion that Age of Innocence was 'heartbreaking' was about as convincing as Charles Isherwood actually liking the play the Gossip kids put on or Vanessa quoting Vincent Canby. Contrary to CW's belief system, there is something between neophyte and savant, be it film or literature related.

I'm intrigued by previews that show a possible Blair/Nate hook-up. I thought we had retired that couple. Also, word on the street is that Georgina is coming back. Not sure how I feel about that one. xoxo

This has run on too long for me to get into Idol business, except to say, no more dancing or Sally Jessy glasses out of you Danny Gokey!

In blogging news: When Adam gets home, I get back on track. That's the plan.

* The scene where Coach threw passes to Saracen as a try out for receiver was everything perfect about FNL. It was football; it was heart and it was funny.

Tatiana and My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week

It's been a colossally crappy week for me for a variety reasons, from family stuff, to not having my favorite mittens in the snow,* to Adam working late and preparing to leave for two whole weeks,** to having to cancel Violet's birthday*** party,**** because Mimi is illin', and last but not least, to the Hoboken St. Patrick's Day Parade generating a disgusting fraternity like atmosphere in our apartment building and a Seinfeldian parking nightmare — it's not though, that we couldn't find our car, it's that WE COULD NOT FIND A PLACE TO PARK IT! So a big eff you to the last 10 days.*****

There were however, some interesting TV developments.

American Idol

What is going on with Idol? Maybe I am overly influenced by Slezak over at ew.com, but this season is whack. It is the opposite of a molten hot lava bomb, wait, that actually doesn't sound like a good thing. Suffice it to say, it's been sucking and for a variety of reasons.

A) Kara. She is useless. She isn't dissenting or smart. She's just another seal clapper, who adds nothing. Her constant talk of how "commercial" an artist could be, is off-putting. I'm not naive. I know that they want a whole package deal, but nobody would have looked at David Cook with his bad hair and dorky sweater vests a year ago and called him commercially viable. Carrie Underwood had a perm! Picking Jasmine Murray over Felicia Barton for the wild card (and ultimately the top 13), because of her pretty face, is just cynical. Let's keep it a singing competition and see where we end up, k?

B) Simon. He's just being a jerk this year and I'm usually a Simon fan. He seems unhappy to be there and irritated by the show. Come to think of it, maybe he's just like me, waiting for the real Idol to please stand up, please stand up.

C) Season 8 of weird homophobic sexual innuendo between Ryan and Simon is about 8 seasons too many, especially when they drag the contestants into it.

D) Tatiana Del Toro. Clearly the judges knew who they wanted to advance to the Top 13 and they didn't want to make it difficult for themselves, so they gave crazy Tati the wild card, with her fake accent and kneeling before the judges, just so they could mock her and bat her around a little more. It wasn't funny the first 5 times. They chose her, because they didn't want their minds changed by giving a real talent with a real chance of advancing, another shot. Idol is off the rails, yo. What!?

Lost

Make no mistake, I am not usually a Lost prognosticator. I don't see or look up most of the Easter eggs. I remember much of the mythology very haphazardly and primarily I watch for the characters, which is how I came up with this thought: Sawyer is the most genuine character on the show.

I am generally a Jack fan, but during this week's episode, "LeFleur," it occurred to me that Sawyer loves and is loyal because he does and he is. It's not because the Island is telling him to, like Locke, or because his own screwed-up life has made him feel that he must protect at all costs, like Jack. He is just a good man. Yes, he was a con man and we still have to see what lengths he goes to in order to keep his new Dharma life with Juliet, but I think his good heart will win out in the end.

I'm not over Jack, I'm just taking a longer look at Sawyer.

ER

Returning castmemberpalooza has been awesome. Loved seeing Morgenstern. George Clooney next week will no doubt send me into palpitations, but the Carter and Benton reunion? That's the good stuff. As unwilling mentor and student, they had great, roller coaster chemistry. That is a friendship I can't wait to revisit.

I'm out. I'm getting some sort of weird-weather cold. When will the bad juju stop? Time to watch Friday Night Lights. Will I recap? Who the hell knows.

* I found them today, when it was 65 degrees. Thanks Random Spiritual Guide, in whom I only marginally believe in as it is!
** He'll be doing Project M in Maine for two weeks, which gets a big WOOT WOOT! I am so proud of him. We'll miss you, baby.
*** I can't believe my sweet little girl is going to be 3. Where is all the time going?
**** On a positive note, many excellent baked goods left over. My friend Joanne Laurie, made the most amazing Angelina Ballerina cake (see photo). She's the Martha Stewart of Hoboken, so look her up the next time you need cake or cupcakes.
***** On another positive note, my in-laws came to visit. That was lovely.

I Resolve to be Resolute

I started off this blog talking about the self-improvement kick I have been on lately in order to clear out the cobwebs and make room in my life and head-space for writing and other endeavors. So far so good. The 7 days of 2009 have been productive ones. I started my blog; Violet got dressed seven times without having an hour-long meltdown and standing in the snow barefoot; I applied to be a volunteer at Tribeca Film Festival* and I returned to the gym after weeks of gluttony and napping. Still, there is more to be done and what better way to hold myself accountable than telling the 12 of you reading this, my resolutions for 2009. 

1) Write at least 3x a week. Today is my third time writing this week, so this is a manageable goal. 

2) Send one pitch a month to some sort of magazine about something. This one is a little vague and could use some work.

3)  Do 20 squats and 20 lunges everyday. I know it's not much, but the odds of me even doing this are slim, so starting small is good. I actually made this resolution 7 days ago and have done 0 squats and lunges everyday. 

4) With Mark Bittman's new cookbook, Food Matters, serving as inspiration, and to be both frugal and healthy — I want to cook more vegetarian meals. This is counter to Adam's resolution at birth to eat meat with every meal, so we will see how it goes. 

4a) Cook more.

4b) Plan the week's menu every Sunday and try to use what is in the freezer.

4c) Go an entire month without eating out or ordering in or buying any food other than groceries and Starbucks (I have to live!). I think April is the designated month. It should be an interesting failure experiment, to write about. 

5) Learn HTML. Adam promises to teach me. This might be like when my dad tried to 'teach' my mom to drive.**

6) Do more crafty stuff and baking with the kids. Winter-behavior has already started (mine, no mine, mine, no mine, MINE, MIIIIIIIIIINE, MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE), and I want them to live to see spring. 

That's it. I'm counting on the hounding of my 5s of readers to keep me on track. 

Tomorrow: My first product review. Can you stand the wait?

* I was put on the wait list before I even filled out the application. Stupid me should have applied months ago. Next year, I will know better. I'm now looking around for other similar volunteer opportunities. 

** My grandmother ended up teaching my mom to drive.