Bad Blair

This was the episode with Bad Blair, who sits in her negligee and drinks whiskey with scuzzy guy. Bad Blair also wears hot Herve Leger dresses and spills society secrets. But really now, Bad Blair and Everyday Blair are more or less the same. Obsessed with college; teasing Chuck; being a bitch to everyone? That's the same Blair as before, right? I think we are supposed to believe that in some universe, Blair was a good girl, but all of that was back when Serena was a bad girl. Hey, Gossip Girl, we weren't watching the show before it was, um, on television.

After all of the ridiculousness about Yale, I actually feel bad that Blair is college-less, although I can't believe that Constance Billard would let her only apply to one place. Also, the hazing of a teacher thing is so bogus. She gave Rachel the wrong time for the opera! And the whole "Dan Humphrey did the teacher thing," while not technically true at the time, was obviously prescient. That should count for something. I don't believe 99% of colleges would give a flying headband what Blair did.

Bad Blair — who kind of morphed into Sad Blair — hooking up with Happy Nate is an interesting development I suppose. His pep talk to her was very sweet and was the most Nate has spoken in months. I think he represents stability and comfort to Blair, which she is craving right now. This was all happening while Nate was reconciling with his blindingly rich grandfather, who apparently ditched him after the minor life-hiccup of Nate's coke-head dad losing all their money, running away to the Islands, leaving his family as squatters and ultimately going to jail. Nice one, Grandpa.

After a touch football game, in which I expected to see their blood run blue, and some group hugs, Nate got sucked back into the rich family vortex and left Vanessa and their planned Eastern Europe backpacking trip for an internship with Mayor Bloomberg. From what I can tell, Nate can barely read, so I'm not sure what he is going to do for the Mayor. It was nice to see him happy and in possession of an actual storyline though. He and Chuck are going to step though. Chuck wants Blair bad. Bad enough to turn down her offer for cheap, public sex at the Vandy mansion. He loves her. Awwww.

Who else was in the episode? There was an idiotic story about Rufus and Lily making lists of their past conquests. Lily's included Slash and Trent Reznor. Rufus' included 13 people, which is about as believable as two adult parent(ish) — where the f is Eric?— people making lists like this. Serena has probably slept with more people than Rufus. If Dan Humphrey keeps bedding the faculty, he could be up to 13 in no time. I was kind of happy that Lily didn't apologize or try to make too nice with Rufus. He's such a baby.

Dan Humphrey inexplicably got invited to all of Nate's family functions and can apparently play football. Not to mention ask his sister for something cold to put on his sore ankle! When I was Jenny's age I would have required payment to remit that sort of assistance for my brothers.

Dan Humphrey also got slapped by Serena for the costume-closet incident with Rachel. I've been thinking about these two and I feel kind of ripped off. They had this great courtship and sweet romance and one mad and one sad break up and since then have had lame reconciliations followed by lame break-ups with lame lovers in between. I know this is the model for the teen show, but it's sucking the wind out of Danrena.

Rumor on the Internets is that Serena is going to tap her inner Anne Hathaway and get involved with someone interested in creative financing. Timely yes, but I'm sure Dan Humphrey will save the day and we will have another tepid reunion to take us into the summer. I'm a bit like the GOP about this, I have no better ideas, just venting.

It looks like next week real life loves Vanessa and Chuck are going to attempt to make Nate and Blair jealous by hooking up. Jesus, I sure hope this group uses protection. Chuck alone could cause a terrible outbreak.

Sorry this recap is so late. I'll do better next week. Or not. xoxo

Danrena Out

* Just two weeks ago I was as happy as Rufus at a Blind Melon concert about Dan Humphrey and Serena reuniting, and now it seems they are kaput. Again. They certainly get easily distracted.

It's only been a month since Bart died and in that time, Serena has gone to Buenos Aires, dumped Aaron, hooked up with Dan, found out about the fake-dead love child, and tired of Dan. I understand that seeing their parents and for poor Eric, hearing their parents, make it all over Manhattan is a bit of a relationship-killer, but why reunite them at all? Gossip Girl goes back to the Danrena well when they have nothing better to say. And you know that they aren't really over over anyway. I'm a fan, but I'm getting easily distracted too.

In the meanwhile, it looks like Dan is hot for teacher. Why anyone that had taught with Teach America in Alabama, would then go on to teach the twits at Constance Billard School for Haters, is a Gossip Girl unsolved mystery — along with Jenny's hair, and Eric and Serena's father. Speaking of fathers, Blair's gay dads were back. Love them. Although I think a French Bulldog would have been a more Blair-friendly gift, even if it isn't mascot-accurate for Yale.

Of course, the new teacher is mentor to Serena and giver of a dreaded B to Blair, who then enacted some pretty weak revenge. A closed restaurant and fake start time for the opera?! NOOOOO! Not exactly Blair's most piercing attack, although she did have some classic lines ("Cancel the Nelly Yuki project now!").

Silly teacher, then went to the principal with her pain and Blair was punished not only with detention, but her spot at Yale was put on hold. A spot she got only because Serena declined her own acceptance. (Are college admissions really like this in Upper East Side land?) Serena's sacrifice didn't seem to bother Blair at all. I know Serena really wants to go to Brown, so it wasn't such a big deal but still, sometimes I wonder why these two are friends at all.

The look on Dorota's face after Blair emerged from the principal's office was priceless. Blair is going 'black ops' on teacher. I'm thinking more than a closed restaurant. Perhaps something to do with the emerging Dan Humphrey flirtation?

In other creepy and scary news, Uncle Jack turned out to be more than just a run of the mill scuzzball. To paraphrase 'he who does not watch Gossip Girl,' Chuck comes from such a slimy family. It seems Chuck is emerging from his crippling grief — at least he changed clothes in this episode — and is focusing his energies on bringing down Uncle Jack. Some of his attempts included planting coke in his gym bag, trying to buy anthrax with Uncle Jack's credit card and hiring underage hookers (classic Chuck). When none of that worked, he turned to Lily.

What ultimately felled Uncle Jack was Lily's adoption of Chuck (awwwwwwwww), making her his guardian and therefore CEO of the company. The ensuing physical attack on Lily by Uncle Jack, almost took Gossip Girl from fun, clever distraction to serious drama and I don't want that. Chuck saved her though. It was a great Chuck moment. And then she kissed and snuggled Rufus and I realized that they are a couple where the anticipation might have been more interesting than the fruition.

Oh, Nate and Vanessa made out in the Archibald box at the opera. And that's it. How long before Chace Crawford asks to be let out his contract to 'pursue other opportunities?'

Next week is a repeat. Boo hiss. xoxo

Will I blog Obama day? Still undecided.

* Chuck in his lady's trench from last week. Although that's Ed Westwick's smile. Chuck doesn't do smiling.